Distracting
by Viperdae
Summary: Zim is told he's distracting, or at least a part of him is. Written for ZADR Week 2019.


"Distracting?" Zim repeated the word, sounding out each syllable slowly as if it would better help him understand. He searched through his pak database yet again, searching for an alternative definition that would make sense. But nothing came up to clear the confusion.

"Yes, it's distracting to other students," the teacher explained tiredly, pinching his nose between his eyes.

Zim stared at his teacher, still at a loss. He'd come to understand much more about humans in the six years he had spent on the planet, but sometimes they just didn't make a bit of sense.

"...I don't understand," the Irken said after a moment, his eyes narrowed in annoyance.

The man sighed, biting back a groan. "It's simply school policy, students are not allowed to wear leggings as pants. It's inappropriate." He always found it tremendously uncomfortable to enforce the dress code, but a few of the other staff members had had words with him after seeing Zim in the hallways and it fell to him as Zim's homeroom teacher to deal with it.

Zim glanced down, looking at his usual uniform. Standard issue invader attire - pink long-sleeved undershirt, dark pink overshirt, black stretchy pants to make movement easy and uninhibited, and Irken gloves and boots, made to fit him perfectly. It was undamaged and unwrinkled.

Irkens were quite strict about their attire. It was inappropriate to show too much skin. It was dishonourable to wear non-standard colours, unless you were a Tallest. It was also imperative to be ready at all times for battle; an Irken's outfit should always be suitable for combat.

The invader uniform was the pinnacle of what he'd worked for. Other Irkens and aliens far and wide knew the Invader uniform on sight, and gave its wearer the appropriate reverence. Zim had fought and survived against impossible odds for the honour of this role and everything it entailed.

And _now_, now this pathetic human was telling him he wasn't allowed to wear it?

"What part of my pants are inappropriate? Distracting?" The Irken scowled. "Zim is a perfectly normal human boy, there is nothing distracting about me!"

The teacher blinked for a moment, eyeing his abnormally short, green-skinned student.

"Uhh…" he started.

"Who is distracted by my garments? Hmm? Tell me!" Zim nearly shouted.

The man rubbed the back of his neck, wishing he was anywhere else. "Well, I can't really give you any names… It's just - we're trying to keep students focused on their work and not their classmates bodies. I'm sorry but you really have to wear something different from now on."

Zim considered that for a moment, his fists clenched and his gaze narrowed harshly. Then…

"Fine."

"Huh?" The teacher's eyes widened in surprise. Zim had gone from furious to oddly calm in a moment.

The Irken gave him a thin smile. "I understand now. Zim will deal with it. Goodbye teacher-unit."

Zim turned and left, a feeling of relief cooling the anger simmering beneath. He understood what the teacher must have been trying to tell him, he understood what needed to be done.

Clearly, a student was finding him distracting. A student was staring at Zim instead of doing their work. All Zim had to do was deal with that student and he would once again be allowed to wear his perfect, amazing Irken uniform.

And he knew who that student was.

Dib Membrane.

The filthy human was always spying on Zim, always jotting notes and taking audio logs, catching photos on his camera and following him around the school. Zim wasn't sure what his leggings had to do with it, but he figured it was part of the annoying human's plan to expose him.

The school day had just finished when his teacher had approached him and asked for a few words with him. Dib would be halfway home now. Or halfway to Zim's base.

Zim opted to head to the Membrane household. He could always go through the human's stuff while he waited and sabotage anything that looked useful in stopping Zim's plans.

When he reached the house, he glanced around to see if anyone was watching and skillfully scaled the fence with the help of his pak legs. He hunched low and circled around the yard, looking for a suitable entry point.

And - there! A window! Small and circular, it was open. The gap looked narrow even for Zim, but it would have to do.

He alighted on his pak legs once again, smoothly climbing the house's exterior until he was just above the window.

He took a deep breath - and launched himself inside.

"Argh!"

There was a yelp of surprise and Zim landed on something warm.

"Zim?! What the hell?"

The Irken felt himself being grabbed by big hands and roughly moved off the human. He glanced around the interior, realizing he'd entered through the Dib's bedroom window and straight onto his unsuspecting enemy laying in bed.

Dib shuffled backwards against his headboard, readying himself for a fight. He rubbed a spot against his chest where Zim had jabbed him during his entrance, briefly wondering if he'd have yet another bruise from the alien.

"You!" Zim pointed an accusing finger at the human.

Dib raised an eyebrow. "What?"

Zim started at him for a long moment, his eyes burning.

"Do you find me distracting, human?" He hissed, opening his arms wide, showing off his body.

Dib's mouth opened and shut a few times. "_What_?"

Zim grabbed the ends of his tunic and pulled them up to show off the entirety of his stretchy black uniform bottoms. "How about THIS?" He turned around, showing his backside. "Or THIS?" He faced the human again and closed the distance between them. "You have some strange human obsession with my pants! Don't deny it, Dib-beast!"

"Ohmygod," Dib muttered, his face burning. He buried his head into his hands for a few moments, wishing Zim had come to kill him instead of this torture.

"Okay," Dib sighed. "I- I might find you attractive." He ran a hand through his hair, his gaze fixed on the wall. "I don't know how you know, but I figured it would be stupid for me to say anything. That would just make this weird, you know? I'm trying to save the Earth from you, I can't… I can't spend so much time thinking about your incredibly toned body and how tight your pants are and I need to stop talking." He felt like his face was on fire.

"Aha! I knew it! You are the reason Zim is not allowed to wear his uniform as skool!" Zim shouted triumphantly, slightly confused by the human's reaction but pleased to see him looking so uncomfortable.

"I'm- what?" Dib blinked. "You need to start from the beginning."

The Irken narrowed his eyes at the human, debating his options. Dib did occasionally help him understand strange human things from time to time. He flopped down to a comfortable sitting position on Dib's somewhat smelly bed. "Fine." He pulled off his itchy wig and let his antenna wriggle. Dib's eyes were immediately locked onto them, but his expression was much softer than usual.

He briefly recited the incident with homeroom teacher. "And then I came directly here, to end the distracting for once and all!"

"Zim… he was just enforcing the dress code, it doesn't have anything to do with me." Dib sighed.

"Dress code?"

"Yeah, the skool has a bunch of dumb rules about what students can wear. They started enforcing it a lot more recently after the new principal started. Your pants are like leggings, which aren't allowed."

"Oh… so that means destroying you won't make the teacher let me wear my uniform again." Zim said matter-of-factly.

"No, no it will not." Dib rolled his eyes, but a smile tugged at his lips.

They watched each other for a few moments, the mood oddly comfortable.

"So you adore my body, yes?" Zim smirked.

Dib coughed, his face going red again and his mind racing with the types of thoughts he tried to suppress.

Zim laughed. "You will still be punished, Dib-monster! You will accompany Zim to perform the most horrible task of all Earthen-kind!"

"Uh-"

"We're going to do the shopping of the clothes!"

The alien jumped off the bed and grabbed the human's hand, pulling him easily despite their considerable size difference. "You must inspect all of Zim's choices to make sure they are suitable for the wretched teaching drones."

"Ugh. Alright," Dib tried and failed to not sound eager. He let the alien drag him out the door, not even noticing the Irken pocket his wallet as they passed his desk.


End file.
